By Naomi Byrne-Soper

‘Ah-hrm.’

Erm.

<Cough>

Well.

‘I’m afraid our situation has deteriorated.’

‘Mind your step, Guv.’

‘Thank you, Thomas. Now ladies and gentlemen, it’s nothing to be alarmed about but… Mrs Winchester, if you could kindly take a step back behind the rope. Mrs Winchester? Mrs Winchester, really, this is not to be trifled with. Mrs Winchester!’

<Pantomime gasp from the crowd>

‘Bollocks. Lost another one, Guv.’

‘Thank you, Thomas. Now ladies and gentlemen, I really must emphasise the seriousness of our situation and how vitally important it is that you attend to ship’s orders at this time.’

‘Captain, the prow…’

‘What’s happened?’                        ‘I can’t see!’

‘Where’s Mrs Winchester’?

‘Ladies and gentlemen, please remain calm, allow me to…’

‘Our Calliope en’t got a prow no more!’

‘Thomas!’

<Pouts>

<Glares>

‘I’m afraid it’s true ladies and gentlemen. It seems the edge of the world is not the horizon after all, but a point in the Pacific Ocean – here – where our world simply ceases to exist. As did Calliope’s prow…So too Mrs Winchester…And the three other men we lost last night.’

<Pauses for dramatic effect>

<Suitably shocked collective gasp>

<Discreet smile>

<The Lady Olivia raises an eyebrow>

<The captain is all (mock) innocence>

<Olivia rolls her eyes and shakes her head>

<The captain gets a hot rush to the belly>

‘<Cough> Right.

So.

Yes.

Until further notice, all outdoor activity will be confined to the starboard promenade. Meals will be taken in the salon and all nighttime constitutionals will be suspended. You will stay in your cabins if not otherwise engaged, and above all else, you will stay. Behind. The rope. That is all.’

‘But Captain!’                        ‘How shocking!’

‘Disgraceful!’

‘This never would have happened with a strong leader.’

‘Yes! Someone illustrious!’

‘With medals!’                        ‘And fob watch!’

‘Yes. It’s the Captain’s fault all right.’

‘Yes, that’s right, blame the Captain. Nothing so productive as a good scapegoating…’

<The lady takes pity> ‘OH MY!’ <Swoons loudly and publicly>

‘Lady Olivia!’

‘Good heavens!’                        ‘She’s fainted clean away!’

‘What to do?’

‘A chair! A chair for the lady!’

<The Captain is by her side>

‘My lady, are you well? Are you hurt?’

<Ghosting smile> ‘Well, well, my Captain. You and I. At the ends of the Earth. Who would have thought it?’<Her eyes snap open> ‘Walk with me.’

‘I beg your pardon, my Lady?’

<Picks herself up, dusts herself down> ‘I rather fancy taking a turn about the deck. Will you join me?’

‘My Lady, I’m not sure I…’

‘Oh, do give it up, Gerald, and take my hand.’

<Clasp>

<Clasp>

‘We both know there’s something better out there for us.’

<Long pause>

‘We do.’

‘Then let’s find it.’

<Kisses him on the cheek>

<Gives a nervous smile>

<Is a little bit sultry>

<Feels a little bit alive>

<Both step off the edge of the world>

©Naomi Byrne-Soper