By David Stewart

I thought we’d managed to pull off the perfect April Fools prank. We stole Danny’s prized VW Beetle, drove to his workplace, broke in and then dismantled the car and got it in the back door. It took a while but we got all the parts into his office and pushed all the furniture back to make a beetle-sized space. Three hours later we’d reassembled the car and were cleaning up when Carol rang.
“Hey Carol, we’re just finishing up now. Tomorrow he’s going to find his car gone and when he gets into work it’s going to be parked right here in his office! Where are you?”
“Danny’s office. Where the hell are you?”
“We’re in Danny’s office.”
“No you’re not. Trust me I’ve visited Danny in his office loads of times. I’m looking in the window and it’s empty.”
“Then where the hell are we?”
“I’ve got no idea.”
“We’re in Clarkson Accounting.”
“It’s Clarkdale Accounting. He works for Clarkdale accounting.”
“Shit.”
“Are you telling me you dismantled the Yellow Peril and put it back together in the wrong place?”
“Umm… yeah I think so.”
“You’ve just brought a stolen car into a complete stranger’s office!”
“Carol… why is it called the Yellow Peril?”
“Because it’s yellow and breaks down a lot.”
“This car is blue.”

There was a long pause. Rob was trying to get my attention.

“Danny’s car is definitely yellow.” Carol sounded very sure.
“This car is definitely blue.”
“So you’ve dismantled a stranger’s car and assembled it in another stranger’s office?”

Rob was really eager to get my attention now.
“What is it?” I asked.
“Well you know how we assembled the back first and then rolled it back so we had room to put the front on?”
“Yeah!”
“We’ve rolled it against the door which opens inwards. We’re kind of trapped.”
“Can’t we dismantle it again?”
“We need to get to the back and we can’t because it’s up against the door and there’s no room to roll it forward. And there’s no other way out.”
“Carol…slight problem. We seem to have broken into a stranger’s office and trapped ourselves inside with a car we stole.”
“You’re an idiot.”
“This is a disaster. There is no way this could possibly get any worse. Hey careful with that pole, if you hit one of those sprinklers and it goes off we’re-    ….fuck.”

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By David Stewart

Hello my name’s Darren James and I wrote and directed this movie.

Hi. I’m Rob Hendricks and I play the part of Jim …and this is the first one of these I’ve ever done.

Really? This is your first DVD commentary?

Yeah.  I was a bit surprised to be asked actually.

You didn’t think you were the commentary type?

No I just didn’t think they did commentaries for OH&S Videos.

A lot of people don’t but I always do. So Rob tell me what’s going through your mind right now?

Well I’m wondering what sort of person would watch an audio commentary for a video called “Ergonomics at your workstation.”

No in this scene, as an actor. What was going through your head when we were filming this?

Oh sorry. Um… I was thinking: I’m walking to the desk… hope I don’t trip over.

It’s a shame you didn’t, we could have used that for the outtakes featurette which is mainly shots of you doing the stretches slightly wrong.

I’m surprised you didn’t put in those establishing shots of me entering the office.

They’re in the deleted scenes. And there’s the option to watch the 22 minute Director’s cut with the extra footage back in. I think it helps establish your character. So tell us, as an actor how do you prepare for a role like this?

Well I… turn up and listen to the director and try to be a guy sitting at a computer.

But there’s a deeper layer than that isn’t there? I don’t want to cover this in too much detail because I’m sure you’ll discuss it in the Making-of featurette which we’re shooting this afternoon.

So this commentary is more about the technical stuff?

No that’s the commentary I do with the editor.

Right. That chair was comfy.

It looks good too. It looks like an office chair.

Well it is.

The whole set looks like a real office. It’s very authentic.

It is a real office.

I spent hours making sure it looked perfect.

So you took a real office and worked on it to make it look like a real office?

I spent a full hour just working out the best place to put that cup full of pencils.

The one I knocked over?

Yes.

And put back on the other side so I wouldn’t knock it again?

Yes. That’s the one…

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By David Stewart

Dear Martha,

I must ask you kindly not to give me any more pets in future. I understand you’re a big-hearted person and while it is thoughtful to give pets with disabilities to a sight-impaired person such as myself my own daily care is quite an effort without having to look after a blind dog as well. Not that I don’t love Pickles. He’s very affectionate. When he hears me sit in the recliner he makes his way over to my side and jumps straight into my lap. Although being blind he can’t check to see whether my lap is actually empty at the time. This week alone he’s jumped straight into my knitting, a tape recorder and a bowl of soup. Whiskers the cat is also a delight although his blindness does add an element of adventure to our lives. I often hear him and Pickles fighting. At first I assumed they didn’t get on but now I realise they just bump into each other a lot. Sadly my own vision impairment prevents me from keeping an accurate tally of the number of cats in the house at any given time. Four times yesterday I let Whiskers inside when he was mewing at the door and each time wondered how he’d got out again. It was only when I felt him brush against both my calves at once that I realised I’ve been providing a haven for a number of neighbourhood felines. One of them has taken to biting the pages of my braille novel which serves to amend the text substantially.  I assume Arthur the deaf and dumb budgie is a continual delight but since I can’t hear him and he can’t hear me I’ve got no way of telling. The latest addition to my menagerie will fit in nicely although I’m confused as to the difference between a dyslexic fish and a normal one. Do fish normally read quite well? Either way I thank you for the thought but must ask again that you desist from further animal presents in future. Now if you’ll excuse me I must go because it sounds like the agoraphobic cow is having a freak out in the back yard again and I need to put a bucket on his head, a challenging task even for the fully-sighted.

Yours faithfully, Enid.

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