By David Stewart

Dear Diary,

Really excited. Today is my first day as a professional hit man. I’ve got my weapons (shotgun, pistol, hunting rifle and bowie knife) and I’ve placed my advertisement on the online classifieds site. I spent ages on the wording and I think it’s perfect. Vague enough not to arouse suspicion but clear enough that if you’re looking for a hitman you know I’m your guy. Now all I have to do is wait for the phone to ring.

Dear Diary,

I’ve had to revise my advertisement to clear up some misunderstandings. I got a lot of calls yesterday and everyone wanted to use my services but none of them wanted a hit man. They were all very sure about what it was they wanted and some had very specific needs. They were prepared to offer a lot of money but there isn’t enough cash in the world to make me do what some of these gentlemen wanted.

Dear Diary,

Three days and no calls. Mother rings every day, sometimes twice. I’m thinking of sniping her from a distance just for practice.

Dear Diary.

Four more days with only one call. Some cretin wanted me to take out the Prime Minister for $40. I told him a job like that would cost a lot more and he said he could go up to $67 if I did the Treasurer as well. All I want to do is murder people for Money. Is that too much to ask?

Dear Diary.

First real job. Not as glamorous as I hoped for but as the caller pointed out I never said “Humans only” in my ad. It should be easy because the target has fairly regular habits and I’ve always hated cats so there’ll be no conscience issues to worry about.

Dear Diary,

On lawyer’s advice I’m pleading guilty to all the charge even the public indecency one, although I still maintain that it’s the policeman’s fault for grabbing my pants as I was trying to get over the fence.

Dear Diary,

Just met my new cellmate. Ironically what he said he was going to do to me tonight is exactly what someone was prepared to pay me top dollar for when I first posted my ad. And he’s getting it for free. Worse still- it turns out he’s a cat lover. Regret killing my mum now because I’d really appreciate visitors.

A