By David Stewart

Hi. Nice to meet you and welcome to the building. I’m Brian but don’t feel bad if you don’t remember. I know what it’s like on the first day, you meet so many new people and all the names just go in one ear and out the other. What do I do? Well I’m just a lowly payroll accountant I’m afraid and I’m also the Office Wanker. The Office Wanker. Didn’t your last office have a wanker? Oh. We decided a few years ago that the best way to deal with office politics was to have elections to the various office jobs and formalize what is normally a casual sort of social structure. Responsibility is one of our company’s key values so- Well as Office Wanker it’s my job to email  jokes about accountants, and I have to say inane things during staff meetings and if I see an amusing office prank on the internet I’m duty bound to make a half-arsed attempt to replicate it. Last week I saw this picture where someone had entirely filled a cubicle with balloons and so I spent an afternoon blowing up a packet of 24 party balloons and… yes, yes it is a bit pathetic, 24 isn’t many and a few popped anyway so it was more like 18 at the end but still… I wanted to be office stud but sadly I didn’t win the election. I didn’t even nominate for Office Wanker but someone else put my name up and I was the only candidate. If you want the job then elections are in August so… it’s an easy position and you can have my collection of hilarous office posters and the “You don’t have to be crazy to work here but it helps” T shirt which I have to wear on casual clothes days. Well think it over. I’d really like to run for the Office Drunk election because between you and me I find myself hitting the bottle pretty heavilly every lunch time. Well if you excuse me I have to go. I’m supposed to photocopy my bottom at least once a week, but I’ll be back later on because I have to invent an annoying nickname for you, it’s all part of the Responsibility.

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